Many years ago I heard that the artist Paul Cezanne didn’t paint his first Masters until he was in his 50s. It was a statement meant to convey that talent is not only bestowed upon the young. That you did not have to be the ingenue, the precocious, the millionaire before 30. Cezanne was over 55 and so it meant that all of us had time to find our talents. Time to live without fretting that talent had passed us by.
For many years, I didn’t write. I’d written plenty for my degrees, but once I’d graduated, the academic writing got left behind. I wrote for my work, but letters to IRS agents requesting abatement of interest and fees was hardly a source of creative expression. Too many other obligations demanded my attention now. Motherhood increased those obligations tenfold. I still had time. My 50s were still far in front of me. Once the other obligations of my life were past, then there would be the space for writing. But at some point, I began to wonder if I was using that Cezanne comment as an excuse for not writing. That statement stuck in the back of my mind until I decided to actually fact-check it. It’s true that Cezanne didn’t have his first solo show until he was 56, but before then he had painted over 150 pieces! He didn’t start painting in his 50s, he only started to receive widespread acclaim in his 50s. But to receive recognition, he’d already been producing works for years.
Last week it dawned on me that my fifties are a mere 4.5 years away. Suddenly close enough to mean something. And suddenly it dawned on me that it was time to set aside my fears and start to write.
I ran across a great quote a few days after that realization. It was from Charlene Storey’s Substack Haver + Sparrow. The post is titled “Create Imperfectly and Share it Anyway.” It details how Charlene started writing, and posting, before she felt she was ready. She put aside perfectionism and all the things that were telling her she wasn’t ready to write, and she just started writing. The part of this article that resonated most with me was this willingness to be seen trying. Even if you aren’t any good, even if nobody is reading what you’re writing, even if you’re not sure what you’re trying to say: share it anyway.
”When I started writing here my first post was about how I wanted to stop being afraid - not just afraid to be seen but to be seen trying. Trying to write. Trying to share. Trying at all.” Charlene Storey, Haver + Sparrow
Having those words gave focus to my goals. It’s okay to be seen trying. It’s okay to put out those fledgling works into the world. And then, shortly after I read Charlene’s words, I read a post from Samantha Clark of The Life Boat called “The Cringe Stage.” Without even reading past the title I was nodding. Yes! A name for this stage I’m in. Within the article was a link to an interview with Ira Glass talking about how everything your produce at the beginning will make you cringe. And there’s only one way to get through this stage - keep writing. Keep producing. Cezanne painted for years before anybody thought he was any good. If I waited until my 50s to start, I might never get good at writing.
Those multiple pieces of information together have focused me. I know that I’m at the beginning, but now I’m not afraid to admit it! I know that I have things to say, but that I might not say them well at first. I know that the only way to get better is to keep writing. It’s important to me to model this willingness to be seen trying.